420528065_6d244b4d5b_m.jpgPhoto©: Will Fisher

Io sono stata autolesionista.

Ora sto un po’ meglio, però mi ricordo che mi tagliavo le braccia con i rasoi, i coltelli, togliendo il primo stato di pelle e sentivo proprio che la pelle nuova era così liscia che mi faceva piacere e poi vedevo il sangue che strabordava, veniva su, e io mi sentivo calda e eccitata.

Mi sono anche bruciata il polso con la sigaretta. Più sentivo il bruciore più spingevo. Mi sono fatta letteralmente un buco sulla pelle.

Molte delle cicatrici che mi sono fatta sono sparite lasciando tracce bianche che sono quasi invisibili, ma il buco sulla pelle è rimasto anche se si è un po’ rimarginato.

Adesso non lo faccio più spesso come prima, ma questo mostro dentro di me a volte viene fuori ancora.

2284133485_61d1c323cd_m.jpgPhoto©: Pixie Trash

L’ultima volta è stato lo scorso luglio, per via di una notizia che mi aveva sconvolta, ho ingoiato (non sto scherzando) un pezzo di vetro lungo e sottile. Devo dire che sono stata bene finchè qualche giorno dopo mi sono venuti dei dolori allo stomaco così forti che mi hanno dovuto fare andare all’ospedale.

Se scrivo tutto questo, in manera così particolareggiata, non è per narcisismo e neanche tanto per farvi impressionare (anche se così potrebbe sembrarvi), ma soltanto per farvi capire che non c’è niente di bello in tutto ciò.

Se ho fatto questo è perchè volevo annientare il mio corpo. Volevo che sparisse.

Da piccola sono stata abusata fisicamente, psicologiacamente e sessualmente da un famigliare. Ho sofferto anche di bulimia e ho tentato varie volte il suicidio arrivando quasi a morire per davvero. Adesso però sto meglio.

2196004354_7e17a934b3_m.jpgPhoto©: Darkest Wolf

Ho voluto scrivere queste righe per farvi sapere che c’è qualcuna che ci sta riuscendo. Ma non è che il demone scompare all’improvviso.

Vorrei anche esprimere il mio disprezzo per quelle persone che si tagliano i polsi e si bruciano la pelle tanto così per fare, con la stessa superficialità con cui si fa un tatuaggio ed anche il mio disprezzo per un’artista in particolare il cui nome è Gina Pane.

Lei lavorava con il corpo negli anni 70 credo ferendolo: camminava su vetri rotti, si tagliava con lame da rasoio e da molti è apprezzata come artista che si carica sul suo corpo femminile, e quindi più debole, (non sono parole mie, ma che ho lette), tutte le sofferenze di questo mondo.

Non lo trovate osceno?

Postato da: Elena

147 Commenti

  1. Marilisa dice:

    Assolutamente…lo trovo molto osceno…è una cosa assurda….ciò che ti vorrei dire è che non posso molto bene immaginare il tuo dolore…..perchè essere stuprati non è bello….perchè ti senti umiliata….ciò che devo solamente dirti è che non devi assolutamente farti del male tu…perchè non hai colpa di niente…anzi quel grandissimo pezzo di merda è l’unico grande colpevole…queste cose mi danno una tale rabbia…tu non hai colpa di niente…ognuno di noi è speciale e tu secondo me lo sei e tanto pure…farti del male non ti serve a niente…ciò che invece avresti dovuto fare già da tempo è quello di denunciare questo grandissimo stronzo anche se è tuo padre ma l’importante è che sia punito perchè nessuno ha il diritto di abusarsi di qualcuno…nessuno….tu non devi più ricaderci in questo…anche alla notizia più brutta tu devi cercare di non farti del male…non devi tentare il suicidio…ascolta me la vita è un grandissimo e preziosissimo bene….non dobbiamo assolutamente rovinarla per nulla al mondo….ricorda che ce sempre un rimedio a tutto ma alla morte no…mi dici dopo che ti troverai all’altro mondo come starai?
    Male te lo dico io perchè l’avrai data vinta a chi ti ha fatto del male e tu devi lottare….devi apprezzare la vita per quella che è…attorno ci sono tantissime persone ke secondo me ti vogliono un bene che tu non ti immagini…non camminare con i paraocchi….non pensare che tutto è brutto…che tutto il mondo fa schifo perchè non è così!
    Assolutamente….io in passato ho sofferto tantissimo ma sono sempre riuscita a guardare avanti….e tu devi fare questo…..non farti del male…non devi proprio farlo…è anche vero che tutti questi esempi come persone che camminano sui vetri non è molto di aiuto…ma ricorda che comunque loro lo fanno solo per lavoro…e ci sarà sempre qualche trucco…sono però di cattivo esempio…anzi di pessimo esempio per tutti….ma ognuno di noi deve essere forte e salvaguardare la vita propria…se hai bisogno di aiuto ci sono io qua…se ti va contattami…baci enormi…

  2. E82 dice:

    Anch’io mi tagliavo,mi scrivevo sulle gambe cn la lametta il nome della persona che amavo e nn voleva piu’ vedermi, mi bruciavo cn le sigarette, ho tentato quattro volte il suicidio.
    Quetso dopo una breve anoressia e l’ultimo suicidio ero cosi’ bulimica che ho deciso di vomitare le pasticche.
    L’autolesionismo e’ passato da vari anni, con farmaci e terapia, ma soprattutto ho imparato ad amare il mio corpo, la mia pelle.
    Due anni fa mi sono fatta il primo tatuaggio una farfallina sulla spalla sinistra e l’estate scorsa il secondo sulla caviglia.
    Un sole a meta’ con la luna e una stellina.
    Ancora tutt’oggi mi capita raramente di pensare al sangue che scorre rosso quando ci si taglia e la rabbia contro il mondo, ma nn posso, nn potrei mai, il corpo, il nostro corpo e’ sacro, nn dobbiamo toccarlo.
    Possiamo trovare un altro modo di sfogare la rabbia, il dolore, la frustrazione, tutto cio’ che c’e'…tipo..lo sport…una passione…
    Molto spesso io vomito, nonostante mi abbiano insegnato a mangiare bene.
    Comunque una volta chiesto aiuto si e’ gia’ un pezzo avanti, solo che non bisogna arrendersi al primo tentativo.
    Ciao:))

  3. Sabrina dice:

    Ciao Elena. Posso solo dirti che il mondo è bello e bisogna viverlo. Mi dispiace moltissimo che il tuo passato non ti aiuti a vivere con normalità ma devi pensare che tu sei una persona che si merita di vivere, che vali e anche molto, che sei speciale e nessuno può legarlo. Vai avanti e segui le tue ambizioni, anche se il passato non ti ha aiutata puoi comunque continuare a fare una vita bella con amici e famigliari. Importante è che tu ammetta di avere un problema che comunque sta sparendo, e ti sono vicina nel tuo percorso verso la felicità.
    Tanti ci sono riusciti, anche tu ci riuscirai. Un bacione e vai avanti così, sei forte!!!

  4. Sere dice:

    So cosa provi, lo so perché anche io tante volte ho fatto parlare il mio corpo con ferite e bruciature, con l’illusione di scacciare il mostro di dolore.
    Ho le braccia completamente bruciate, ora riesco a farne a meno, anche se 10 giorni fa una notizia pesante è corrisposta ad una nuova lesione, so che gridare quello che ho dentro è una soluzione più sana.
    Ma mi faccio male da 10 anni… completati con 4 tra anoressia e bulimia.
    Sono stata ricoverata 5 mesi e tutt’ora la psicoterapia ambulatoriale mi aiuta, soprattutto per quanto riguarda il farsi male …
    Per il disturbo alimentare il ricovero è stato una magia … ma ora nel mondo dobbiamo stringere i denti insieme. Io, te e tutte la altre…
    il male che non senti mentre te lo provochi, il male che t fai perchè t dà sicurezza…è ciò a cui dobbiamo dire basta!!!!!!!un bacio, se83

  5. Jeneregretterien dice:

    Ciao Elena..
    Anche ho praticato autolesionismo, per rabbia.
    Anche io ho ricevuto abusi da un familiare e dal mio ex.
    Ho ricevuto molte botte da parte di ques’tulitmo e una sera ci ho quasi rischiato la pelle.
    Non riesco a scacciare questi traumi, sono aggressiva.
    Ho paura di fare del male alle persone che ho accanto…
    Non penso che parlare di questo tipo di esperienze sia narcisismo.
    Penso appunto come dici te che Gina Pane sia una forma di narcisismo.
    Come hai fatto a superare tutto?
    Io attraverso molte fasi, ora ho il picco.
    Sono dimagrita tantissimo, non riesco a mangiare molto, mi sento uno schifo.
    Mi vergogno ad uscire, provo rabbia verso tutti.
    Ma ho paura di allontanare le persone, alle quali non ho mai parlato dei miei problemi. Non voglio gettare un macigno addosso agli altri.
    Solo al mio ragazzo ne ho parlato, ma ho paura di avergli fatto male…

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